this is going to get me in trouble, isn't it?

So, I've been struggling lately. Part of it was a sort of mental exhaustion after that most recent audition, and part of it stems from a sort of general discontent with the music world in general. I hadn't quite put my finger on it until a fairly recent concert.

This particular concert... yes, the technical aspects were lacking here and there,¹ but it was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I was making music, with other people that cared. It moved, and was moving, and it brought me back, at least for a little while. I needed it, badly. I needed to know that I'm not a freak for feeling the way I do about what I do. It's hard for me to even talk about, because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for caring so much.²

It won't last, of course. I know better. I'll coast on it for a while, but eventually I'll be back where I started. It did, however, inspire me to dig up and finish the following sentiment.

...

So. Guys. Listen.

We can tell when you don't care.

True, not everyone in the audience can tell. I've seen many a lacklustre performance greeted with a gratuitous standing ovation.³ You can make the average audience pretty happy without really trying.

The rest of us, though? Your critics, your colleagues, your students? The people that actually know enough about music to tell good from bad? We can tell. Oh, boy, can we tell.

Every time I sit in the audience for that sort of performance, it makes it harder and harder for me to go to another concert. There are few things more depressing than listening to a group of musicians who have clearly given up; who have decided that they are fine and comfortable where they are and that they don't really need to keep reaching anymore.

It's not about the technical aspects, although those can be frustrating to listen to as well. There are less technically-accurate musicians that I would rather hear and that I would rather play with, just because I can clearly tell that they still enjoy what they are doing. Yes, the other flaws still kind of burn like fire, but at least I don't leave their concerts feeling depressed about my chosen career.⁴

Is this what's in store for me? Will I someday be doomed to this tepid musician's purgatory, only to make music with people who are willing to settle for "good enough"? How does that even happen, anyway? I thought we went into this field because it was what we loved, because it certainly wasn't for the money. When did being a part of the arts become so... complacent?

I mean, not caring isn't a crime. I'm not suggesting that everyone needs to care as much as I do, because I am well aware that it is not entirely healthy. You can't force yourself to be passionate about something. I understand, I really do. I know about bitterness and disillusionment as well.⁵ I just think you should be aware that there are a hundred or so musicians queueing up behind your chair, waiting for their chance, and some of them do care. Quite a bit.

And you're right, the audience can't tell past a certain point, which is why after that point we aren't really playing for the audience anymore. We're playing for each other. Not because the people who bought the tickets can tell the difference,⁶ but because we can, and because the music deserves it, and because it brings us joy. I mean, why are you doing this, if you don't enjoy it? Why would anyone do this to themselves if they didn't enjoy it? It's fucking hard, after all, and very rarely lucrative.

And if you are one of the few who have a job that most of us are still desperately hoping to achieve? And if you're bored with it? Fuck you. Go do something else then, and stop poisoning the only thing that I love.

...

Okay, fine. You know what? Fuck it. I am taking my trombone and I am moving to Madagascar.⁷ I will spend the rest of my days living in the trees, playing Bach cello suites for the lemurs, and they will bring me food.

Because lemurs are awesome, that's why.⁸

1. and I had more than my fair share of those[↩]


2. Honestly? There probably is. We work with what we have, though.[↩]


3. The standing ovation means nothing these days. Nothing. I've kind of stopped doing them because of it.[↩]


4. Just... annoyed and slightly contemptuous? Look, I didn't say it was fantastic, just preferable. Which should tell you a lot.[↩]


5. It's what my reputation is based off of, after all.[↩]


6. Although. Is it that they can't tell, or only that they don't realize that they can? Because even when they don't know the difference, they do react differently.[↩]


7. And maybe my laptop as well, except I don't know how I'll find electricity. Or the Internet.[↩]


8. Okay, maybe I can't actually train them to bring me food. Maybe I don't care.[↩]