they may use the term "pro bono," but lawyers don't have to put up with this crap

So, a while back I put this up on Facebook: Should I Work For Free? And since then, I've been casually reexamining just how closely I follow that chart. And considering some of the implications.

Because, see, I've had to deal with quite a lot of incredulousness from various types when they find out that yes, actually, I am doing this for a living. And it seems to be getting worse lately. Before, I had merely chalked it up to the fact that "freelance musician" just seems like a poor career choice to people who actually value financial stability. Since those people are, in fact, correct about that, I had sort of shrugged it off.¹ But lately it seems like I've been getting that reaction from my own colleagues, and thus I must consider some things.

Namely? What sort of message I send when I agree to do something for no pay. Especially when it involves amateurs. Because golly, they just do this for fun, and why wouldn't you always agree to play for free? And I have this suspicion that hidden in there is also, "So if you really are a professional, why are you here doing this with us?" And to that, I have no real answer. "Networking" and "free publicity" were the reasons suggested to me in the past, but I'm starting to wonder if this sort of volunteer work is doing more harm than good.

I can keep telling people that I'm a professional, but if I continue to play in non-professional venues, will anyone believe me?

I was on stage last night.² And somewhere in between the sponsor recognition and various other announcements, they bring out this woman from public radio to come talk to the masses, and while she is extolling our virtues she mentions that "oh, you might not realize this, but most of the people on this stage have day jobs and lives, and are here volunteering their time for the sake of music..."³ And I was all, "Um. Excuse me." Only the second trombonist heard me, because I successfully stifled the urge to stand up and say, "Hey! Quit telling all these people that we don't need to be paid for what we do!" I know she didn't mean it that way, but that was basically what she was saying. "You hear all this music? It's being donated to you, because these people don't care about the money." You know, except for those of us who kind of need the money for things like rent and food. But never mind those people.

This, by the way, was hot on the heels of a survey that had been passed out to all of the rostered players in the orchestra at an earlier rehearsal. The theme of said survey was basically, "How much do you care about what we pay you?" and some of the options were, frankly, a little insulting.

"How do you feel about your compensation for playing in this group?" And among the choices were "Too much... I'm not worthy!"⁴ "How much do you think you should be paid for a recording?" and one of the options is $0. And one question where they wanted to know if I considered myself a professional or an amateur.

I usually don't do surveys, but I did fill this one out and turn it in. Because frankly? I'm worried that some of these questions are even being asked. Yes, my compensation does play a huge role in deciding whether or not to keep playing with you people. Yes, I do think I should be paid for doing a recording, although I'll admit I don't know how much yet because I lack experience in that area. And yes, I am a God damned professional.

Now, I know this group is going through a bit of an identity crisis, and is currently experiencing the usual growing pains associated with the transition from a community group to a professional/semi-pro orchestra. The cynical side of me says that the majority of said growing pains come from wanting to be paid like a professional but not wanting to have to practice like one, but that might not be entirely fair. And I know that it gets even more complicated then that, because of some highly politicized regional aspects that other groups don't necessarily have. If nothing else, I have gotten quite the education on orchestra politics since I started playing with this group.

Also, it doesn't help that I wasn't entirely happy with how I played at this particular concert. It was okay, it wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't great,⁵ and all of the "are you sure you're a professional musician" vibes just left me feeling even more insecure about the whole thing. Like now I suddenly have to defend my position.

No, this isn't why I don't get called for more gigs. But it might be why anyone would think it was okay to offer me a Christmas gig for $30 a service⁶ and instead of apologizing for the low pay include the phrase, "You need to be able to read well." No, I didn't take the gig. And on the one hand, this was clearly the right thing to do, because I don't want people believing that this kind of pay is okay, and on the other, I only had one Christmas gig this year, and nothing at all on Christmas Eve. And nothing for the month of January as well, I might add, but that's beside the point. I don't know what the point is. Principle? Ethics? Outrage? All of the above?

And on the other end of the spectrum, I play in a klezmer band for fun. It's my hobby group, because while there are legends of paid gigs, none have yet surfaced. And I keep doing it, both because it is fun and because no one there takes me for granted. I made it clear that paid gigs would always have to take priority, and they're fine with that. And they put up with the occasional smartass comment when someone says, "We're totally being treated like professionals!" and I respond with, "Except for the getting paid part."

It's hard to get past the crippling lack of self-esteem and extreme critical opinion of my own playing and say, "I deserve to be paid well for what I do." It's hard, and being bombarded on all sides about it doesn't help. I keep making myself do it, though... not just for my sake (although I do enjoy paying rent) but for the sake of my colleagues. Because even when I am having doubts about my own worth⁷ I cannot sell out my fellow musicians.

I just kind of wish they'd stop trying to do it to me.

1. No, I love living off of beans and rice and defaulting on student loans. It's totally awesome.[↩]


2. Symphonie Fantastique again. My oldest friend, but it's a very abusive relationship. Stupid 4th movement excerpt...[↩]


3. I can't remember what it was verbatim, but that was the gist of it.[↩]


4. That right there? That is verbatim. My hand to God.[↩]


5. I wasn't ecstatic, but neither was I putting a gun in my mouth. It'll do, I guess.[↩]


6. Less, actually, because he was offering 4 services' pay for what was clearly 5 or 6 services.[↩]


7. Okay, yes. This is all the time. Shut up.[↩]