god damn it

I am not pleased.

the first christmas gig of the season

A few observations...



1. Ah, sound shields. I love watching the woodwind players carefully construct their little plexiglass barricades to protect from the deadly onslaught of brass.

2. Lyrics. For the Nutcracker. What.

3. Was there a time when Mannheim Steamroller was cool?

4. One industrious woodwind player had procured two shields; one behind the chair and one to the side for maximum protection. I would be more sympathetic if we were, like, Chicago. However, this is not a loud brass section.

5. There is no reason for "Angels We Have Heard On High" to be in 7/8. It is not clever. Nor is it hip.

6. Sometimes if you pick a particularly tedious and repetitive piece of music, your trombone section will start to switch between regular and alternate positions, just for the hell of it.

7. How much good does it do to raise a shield to full height and then put it in front of a tuba with a bell that points upwards? Is someone confused about the physics of sound?

8. Is it a bad sign if your trumpet section is so bored that they briefly trade instruments mid-concert for no apparent reason? (This wouldn't be as big a deal, except that one of them played a Monette.)

9. I understand the word "Hanukkah" and I understand the word "calypso" but when you put them together suddenly it makes no sense.

10. A few of us agreed that the performance could only be made complete with a smoke machine. And maybe lasers.


Because this was a paid gig, I'm letting it off easy (as those that have heard my Nutcracker rant can attest).

can you tell i'm making an effort to post more?

Cash Advance Loans

I am so glad that eight years of college and thousands of dollars in student loans are finally paying off. Truly, this is what it's all about.

a holiday lesson

The key to a truly successful Thanksgiving is knowing the correct time to switch your intake from caffeine to alcohol.

This has been a public service announcement.

proving that i occasionally pay attention to current events

So, how about that writer's strike?

I'm not personally affected, because I don't watch television. And I haven't been to a movie in forever. And when I say "forever" I mean that I never stepped into a Bloomington theater while I was at IU, so it's been at least two years if not longer. And that's still not as long as I've been without television (five years maybe?).

Anyway.

On the rare occasions when I do watch a TV show, it's either on DVD or online *coughthedailyshow.comcough*. Oddly enough, these happen to be the two issues over which the WGA is striking. So, I'm keeping half an eye on the proceedings. Morbid curiosity is another reason. There won't be any new tapings of The Daily Show or The Colbert Report until it's all over, which is only offset by the schadenfreude-y goodness of hearing the TV-viewing public's screams of anguish at the possibility of a season dominated by reality shows. They might even have to turn the television off and read a book. (Click on that link at your own peril, by the way. You have been warned.)

Unless I either win a job in Seattle or overseas, I will probably have to join a union for my chosen profession. I don't foresee anything like this happening with the AFM, but they have voiced their official opinion on the whole situation. Besides, it's not every day that you see a major union on the picket line. Since I only have a vague idea of how a union works anyway, it's educational as well.

If anyone else is mildly curious, various writers have set up a few blogs. They get a little long-winded at times, but that's to be expected. (I can't find one representing the AMPTP's side, presumably because network executives wouldn't be caught dead blogging, but these links might count for something.)

Oh, and for those of us in Daily Show/Colbert withdrawal, apparently the writers have been having a bit of fun onYoutube. It's no Jon Stewart (oh, the delivery), but it might get you through the day.

In other news, there is the slightest possibility that I spend way too much time on the Internet.

crap, how long has it been?

I'm supposed to be updating this thing, aren't I? Whoops.

Sadly, there isn't much to report. I'm starting to get some phone calls, though, so it looks like word is circulating that I'm back in town. And I almost have a student or two, lacking only a place to teach them. I look forward to the opportunity to twist a few more young minds down the path of bitterness and cynicism, because I believe in preparing our nation's youth for the real world. Or I would, except that I hate children. If I get any particularly ambitious ones I can tell them all about how soul-crushing great it is to be destitute a freelance musician.

I see Cincinnati has joined the ranks of not declaring a winner. I don't know if this is a relatively new phenomenon or if it's always been this way, but these days I find myself more surprised when someone actually wins an audition. Maybe there's just something wrong with Ohio. Besides the fact that it's Ohio, I mean.

Some people get upset when this happens, presumably because they feel like they and everyone else has just wasted a lot of money for nothing. Some people view it as a positive thing, because it means they have another shot. I view the whole thing with detatched amusement. Is the audition process flawed and dysfunctional? Of course it is. Pretty much everything that involves musicians is dysfunctional in some way (if someone can show me an exception to this, please do). We, after all, are arteeeeeests, and we must suffer for our art or it totally doesn't count. Most of the suffering is self-inflicted, of course.

And so, in the spirit of inflicting suffering, I give you this.

Oh, Jack. Never change.

Clearly he is a man ahead of his time. Or far, far behind it. Regardless, his legacy will live on.

Now that everyone is several IQ points lower, I'll remedy it as best I can with some random awesomeness.

Yes it is a ukulele and it is brilliant.


EDIT: The first Saturday in November is National Drunken Writing Night. The rules are here (the post claims it's the 4th, but apparently it's supposed to be a Saturday, which is the 3rd).

on driving

Two and a half days is a long time to be on the road. I seriously think that if I ever need to move across the country again, I will pack and ship three boxes, set the rest of my stuff on fire, and then get on a plane with my trombone, my laptop, and a suitcase. And maybe a flask.

The Amazing Plastic Car™ did surprisingly well, though the gerbils under my hood started to complain when we hit the mountain passes.

We learned that apparently U-Haul engines are designed to shut off automatically if the driver approaches 80 mph. Learning this whilst on the freeway was the best part.

Still a lot of corn. In case there were any doubts.

I thought maybe having air conditioning would soften my loathing this time around, and yet South Dakota is still a barren, desolate God-forsaken wasteland.

And fucking. Stupid. Bikers. Everywhere. I was sorely tempted to go bowling with my car and demonstrate to them why it's a really bad idea to ride a motorcycle under the speed limit on the freeway without a helmet, but I decided against it. Besides, I probably wouldn't have succeeded in knocking over any of the Big Wheel motorcycles.

Now that I'm back in the Northwest, I've discovered that two years in Bloomington has dulled my driving edge. I'll get it back fairly quickly, but it's led me to review the basic rules:

1. The morning commute lasts from about 6AM until 10 or 11. Rush hour lasts from 2PM to about 7PM. And then there are special events.

2. Fog/condensation of any kind + any bridge = traffic

3. …actually, just any bridge + people = traffic

4. Construction of any kind + people = traffic

5. Any accident, regardless of whether it's blocking the road or not + curious people (a.k.a. "looky-loos") = traffic

6. Absolutely no logical reason whatsoever + people = traffic

7. If one lane is consistantly slower than all the others, it is almost always the lane you need to be in. Conversely, if one lane is consistantly faster than all the others, it’s probably a trap. Or a HOV lane.

8. Driving in heavy traffic with more than one car length between you and the car in front is considered a sign of weakness.

9. Much like Godwin's Law, as a journey down I-5 grows longer and longer, the probability of getting stuck in traffic approaches 1.

10. For God's sake people use your turn signals Jesus it’s not hard.



It’s good to be home.

oh, ebay

So somehow a friend of mine got me to start searching for trombones on Ebay, just to see what horrors I could find.

And this is a thing of beauty.

I quoted some of my favorite parts. The amazing use of capitalization is courtesy of the seller.

USA FLAG COLOR TROMBONE Bb BAND SLIDE RED WHITE AND BLUE

The Schill Trombone is a favorite of many Band Instructors at much higher prices than ours.

This is the GENUINE Top of the line and NOT a Cheap Imitation of the Schill! It Has the Model and Serial Number!

It has an Absolutely Tremendous Sound!

(this is my favorite part)

Why spend several hundred more on a *used* Conn when we are starting this Authentic NEW, Schill 2007 Patriot Model Red, White and Blue for such a LOW price RIGHT NOW?

It doesn't make sense, does it?


...


No. No, it doesn't make sense at all.

Which begs the question... just how many cheap, imitation Schills are on the market today? I really want to know.





Here's another gem...

What better gift for the Trombone Lover in your life???
Their very own Doctorate of Trombones...

Now's your chance to obtain this authentic looking degree to document your incredible skills in the specialty of YOUR choice.





But really, are my actual degrees really worth more than this (other than being more expensive)? I especially love that they've used a Conn alto as the background picture.

...

...

Yeah, I don't know either.

i have a new toy

Hee.



I got it because it is awesome.

And because it's spearing a baby seal.

What's not to like?

go and don't look back

There are many reasons that I am vacating Indiana as soon as my lease is up.

Many, many reasons.

Here's one.

. . .

In other news, I would totally vote for Zombie Lincoln for President.

planning ahead is overrated

Want to hear a funny joke?

I’m supposedly an adult now.

There is no punchline.

Apparently, it means I’m supposed to become a faceless cog in a soulless machine contributing member of society, although I had hoped that majoring in music performance would prevent my ever being useful to civilization. Conceivably it’s possible that one day the fate of the world could rest on my ability to give a musically stunning rendition of the Creston....

I never liked the world all that much anyway, though.

It seems that an automatic advancement to adulthood is mandatory when one is done with school forever, because everyone knows that no student could possibly be a real adult and that one magically receives maturity when they stop going to school (or gets married, has a podling, etc. The Rites of Passage are many and varied). Now that I have been forced into these ranks, I’ve been asked numerous variations on the same question: “What are you going to do now?” My answer is invariably the same: “I have no idea. I have no plan.”

That’s right. No plan at all for my future. I am the best adult ever.

(I will also note that it is amazing how quickly this response can kill a conversation.)

In a vague sort of way, I am aware that I need to acquire shelter/practice space and the means to both eat and pay off my student loans. I don’t yet know how I will accomplish this. For now, I simply console myself with the knowledge that if all else fails I can return to an earlier life plan that was developed while I was working on my master’s degree – to live in a box on the street and read Dostoyevsky until I starve to death.

Hey, at least I’d have a plan.

i have a blogspot blog now

Why, you ask? And will I remember to update regularly?

. . .

Don't ask stupid questions.


Also, if you haven't yet discovered the joy of RSS feeds, you should probably look into it. Then you don't actually have to keep track.