on driving

Two and a half days is a long time to be on the road. I seriously think that if I ever need to move across the country again, I will pack and ship three boxes, set the rest of my stuff on fire, and then get on a plane with my trombone, my laptop, and a suitcase. And maybe a flask.

The Amazing Plastic Car™ did surprisingly well, though the gerbils under my hood started to complain when we hit the mountain passes.

We learned that apparently U-Haul engines are designed to shut off automatically if the driver approaches 80 mph. Learning this whilst on the freeway was the best part.

Still a lot of corn. In case there were any doubts.

I thought maybe having air conditioning would soften my loathing this time around, and yet South Dakota is still a barren, desolate God-forsaken wasteland.

And fucking. Stupid. Bikers. Everywhere. I was sorely tempted to go bowling with my car and demonstrate to them why it's a really bad idea to ride a motorcycle under the speed limit on the freeway without a helmet, but I decided against it. Besides, I probably wouldn't have succeeded in knocking over any of the Big Wheel motorcycles.

Now that I'm back in the Northwest, I've discovered that two years in Bloomington has dulled my driving edge. I'll get it back fairly quickly, but it's led me to review the basic rules:

1. The morning commute lasts from about 6AM until 10 or 11. Rush hour lasts from 2PM to about 7PM. And then there are special events.

2. Fog/condensation of any kind + any bridge = traffic

3. …actually, just any bridge + people = traffic

4. Construction of any kind + people = traffic

5. Any accident, regardless of whether it's blocking the road or not + curious people (a.k.a. "looky-loos") = traffic

6. Absolutely no logical reason whatsoever + people = traffic

7. If one lane is consistantly slower than all the others, it is almost always the lane you need to be in. Conversely, if one lane is consistantly faster than all the others, it’s probably a trap. Or a HOV lane.

8. Driving in heavy traffic with more than one car length between you and the car in front is considered a sign of weakness.

9. Much like Godwin's Law, as a journey down I-5 grows longer and longer, the probability of getting stuck in traffic approaches 1.

10. For God's sake people use your turn signals Jesus it’s not hard.



It’s good to be home.