a thanksgiving interlude

I hope everyone has a lovely Smallpox-Blankets Thanksgiving Day. Mine will be spent in the kitchen, doing prep work and asking the important questions like, "How long has that been in the oven? Did you set the timer?" I prefer this, because it means I spend less time talking to family.¹ I have also made an apple pie and cranberry sauce from scratch,² although we still had to buy the canned stuff because some people in this family will only eat jellied cranberry sauce that is the same shape as the can. I will admit to a certain amount of nostalgia here, but seriously.

I told my mother that my terms for helping in the kitchen were an unlimited supply of both caffeine and alcohol, which she felt was reasonable. There's a certain technique to surviving a holiday dinner with the family, and while I did pretty well last year I'm hoping to refine my technique.

1. I start with coffee. This is key, although too much too soon can have its own hazards.³

2. At an appropriate time during the day,⁴ I switch to beer. Not too much, because there is still cooking to be done and cooks to be monitored, but enough to take the edge off.

3. Dinner goes with wine. Especially handy because no one can really keep track of how much I've had.

4. For dessert I usually switch back to coffee, only maybe with a shot of something. Maybe a couple of shots. It'll be a judgment call.

5. Once everyone leaves, anything goes. Hard alcohol helps counteract all the coffee I had at the beginning of the day, so that I can fall asleep. Probably should wait until the dishes are done, though... it's only courteous.

Wish me luck.

1. No, no, I love answering questions about how my career's going nowhere. Please, ask some more.[↩]


2. I actually volunteered for this... I think it's a subtle form of self-harm.[↩]


3. If you can feel your eyebrows, you've probably had a little too much.[↩]


4. like, say, when your guests start to arrive[↩]